This is because I am struggling (mightily) with my day job (v. writing, activism, and living).
My day job is all of these combined: stressful, boring, useless to the world, soul-sucking, time-sucking — and did I say stressful? I’m pretty easy-going, but I don’t like to do useless stuff that uses up over 12 hours of my precious days. I’ve been to the edge of death three times, is this all there is after waking up from three suicide attempts and choosing to live?
Plus, I’m interested in writing as a career (I know, a total pipe dream in the USA, where arts and literature are not at all supported) as well as social and economic justice.
None of any of those are components that adhere to my day job. Oh, sure, I have to write, stoopid stuff that I mostly don’t believe in or clerical-type cutting and pasting that my boss likes to have me in particular do even though I am the most experienced person in the office and was hired to do something else. But, she likes the fact that I can do in two minutes what might take someone else half an hour to an hour to complete. Hello hypo-mania. Yes, I have a lot of energy and am extremely competent at this bullshit I have been doing in the corporate world for almost two decades. But I am also very tired of it, for all the reasons state above, and so many, many more.
I feel on the verge of a “nervous breakdown” every other day and have been calling out once a week or more in the couple of months. It’s getting bad! In the “old days” I would have simply walked out one day never to return. I’m well now, and also in a relationship that needs my income to survive/subsist.
I don’t even know what else to write except that I’m calling out today…