It seems every Tuesday, when I have my psychotherapy appointment, my current bout of depression is at a low point. Yes, I’m depressed and have been for a while. Mostly because I’m unemployed, have almost no income (not even unemployment), my rent is in arrears, I have very few resources and I’m also mostly paralyzed and strangled by depression. All of which makes it next to impossible to write, which is what I do for work, making a few hundred bucks a month. I love writing and in particular I love writing for the publications for which I freelance. But, these days it’s hard to get motivated to do anything but do a bit of correspondence and blog.
I’ve done the research and interviews for most of my assigned articles, but cannot seem to motivate myself to actually craft, draft, edit and submit them. I’m way past several deadlines this month that were actually deadlines last month. My editors understand—to a certain point. When my inability to deliver impinges on their editorial process it’s going to become a major issue. But foreseeing that problem still does not help to move me in the direction of getting my work done. This round of Tuesday blues has so gripped me with anxiety and apathy I cannot get moving.
I’ll go in to see my therapist today and tell her I am too depressed even to talk. So, we’ll do some bodywork to take me out of my head. It will help for a few hours, but when I get home, I’ll be right back in the same place. Right here where I am now: paralyzed with fear, frustration and “fuck you”!
Steph, we’re FB “friends” but don’t think I’ve met you for real until I read some of your writings. These are searing, honest, more about breath than words for me. Thank you movingly, Debi
Hi Debi, Yeah, I know you from FB. Thanks so very much for your encouraging words – it is satisfying to know my writing resonates. And yes indeed, breath more than words…xo, Steph
Yes it is interesting that your depression gets worse when therapy is due… and I wonder whether it has something to do with attachment. Im not sure whether you know about Melanie Klein and John Bowlby or Winnicott but they all talk about, how in the transfernece [towards the therapist] we regress back to the baby infant or child or teeneger etc… it makes perfect sense that if a part of you [even an unconscious part of you] is attached to your therapist, you would feel very intesne feelings … and then knowing to hav eto leave here again after a certain time can be absolulety soul destroying on some level. Thats of course just an idea.
Hey thanks for your input. I love comments on my blog and discussion about psychology! I AM familiar with Melanie Klein et. al. She a rather peculiar case herself.
Rather than transference, I think what really is happening is that my depression rises to a high point (or rather low point) as Tuesdays nears because I have the chance to let my feelings out in a constructive, controlled, supportive environment. That’s just my idea (and my therapist’s, too:-)
Hi Steph!
Hey, I realize this is an entry from a month ago, so the way you feel about various things could have changed, BUT: let me just say that I could have written about 85% of this journal entry! And have. 🙂 I live in that endless, immobilized, dysthymic place of “Gosh, I bet I could actually DO a lot of work and writing and creating that I’m dying to do if I wasn’t so poor, and exhausted, and totally overwhelmed, and sapped of all life force. And if I DID the work, maybe I wouldn’t BE poor, and exhausted, and overwhelmed, and sapped of life force. Boy, I sure wish I could life my head up high enough to see my computer screen…” The feeling of knowing what your potential used to be and being utterly incapable of working up to it is HORRIBLE. It is eating me alive. So I just wanted to tell you that I empathize, AND if you wanted to create a situation where we could help each other get out of this rut one miniscule step at a time, I’d be into that. I think I could do okay with micro-goal setting – I have done so in the past – but it always helps to have a partner to check in with, you know, like OA or AA or NA (etc). If you feel up for that ever, you know where to find me. 🙂
I think you are fantastic, and I cheer you on unconditionally from Minneapolis!
xoxo