It seems every Tuesday, when I have my psychotherapy appointment, my current bout of depression is at a low point. Yes, I’m depressed and have been for a while. Mostly because I’m unemployed, have almost no income (not even unemployment), my rent is in arrears, I have very few resources and I’m also mostly paralyzed and strangled by depression. All of which makes it next to impossible to write, which is what I do for work, making a few hundred bucks a month. I love writing and in particular I love writing for the publications for which I freelance. But, these days it’s hard to get motivated to do anything but do a bit of correspondence and blog.
I’ve done the research and interviews for most of my assigned articles, but cannot seem to motivate myself to actually craft, draft, edit and submit them. I’m way past several deadlines this month that were actually deadlines last month. My editors understand—to a certain point. When my inability to deliver impinges on their editorial process it’s going to become a major issue. But foreseeing that problem still does not help to move me in the direction of getting my work done. This round of Tuesday blues has so gripped me with anxiety and apathy I cannot get moving.
I’ll go in to see my therapist today and tell her I am too depressed even to talk. So, we’ll do some bodywork to take me out of my head. It will help for a few hours, but when I get home, I’ll be right back in the same place. Right here where I am now: paralyzed with fear, frustration and “fuck you”!