cowboys and catwalks

I started this blog eight years ago.

It was an outlet for my trials and tribulations with bipolar, with taking medication and trying to get my Abilify, psychotherapy, stigma, the progress of writing my memoir, etc.

I’ve been in recovery from bipolar the entire eight years I have maintained this blog. I’ve had little blips, like the time I had to go off Abilify because I didn’t have insurance and couldn’t afford to buy it and when I got super anxious around the launch of my book. But, really I cannot claim membership in the actively in psychic pain category, and I think what I have to say at this point in more political in nature then personal.

Oh, I’ve still “got” bipolar, don’t get me wrong. But it’s been under control with medication and extensive talk therapy (though I’m not right now in therapy) for over a decade.

No, I don’t think it’s only interesting to read blog posts from people who are going through hard times, but it is my own inclination to write more – or at all ­– when I’m in pain or angry than when I am happy and healthy. So, I am disinclined to write specifcally about bipolar any longer.

I will keep this blog as an archive of my writing, my feelings, and my life from October 5, 2009 to December 21, 2015, but I will no longer blog here.

So goodbye, adiós, Auf Wiedersehen, arrivederci… Thanks for reading and commenting and supporting me these past 8 years!

It’s Been Awhile…

First, I’m aware I haven’t been blogging much for quite a while. I’ll do a longer post about that sometime before the end of this year.

I’ve just been hustling freelance work to pay for the rent, groceries, healthcare, etc.

Right now I’m in Northampton, Massachusetts, doing research at the beautiful Sophia Smith Collection at Smith College. It’s a nice respite that is surreal is its natural beauty:

Sophia Smith signSophia Smith bldg

Review of my memoir and a Q&A with me!


Isn’t that a great title? I’d pick that book up regardless of its bipolar content. 

I felt as if death wouldn’t be a shock because I had already died and was only shambling through the motions of living and relating to others, as if I were a robot or a zombie. (Stephanie Schroeder)


This is not your conventional bipolar memoir; if you want a book with solid linear progression, featuring bipolar every step of the way. If you want to get to know an interesting woman who can make you laugh and who doesn’t blame it all on the bipolar, read this one. And halle-freaking-lujah it’s written by somebody I can relate to in more depth than previous memoirs, a lesbian. (okay, there’s ‘Marbles’, but there’s not a lot of actual reading in that.) There aren’t many places you’ll find the words bipolar and butch cock together and believe me…

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My birthday bouquet

My birthday bouquet

This is what I posted over at my spanglish familia: Motherhood, Mental Illness, and Metamorphosis’ MEDS COCKTAIL PARTY SEPTEMBER 10th World Suicide Prevention Day:

It’s September 10th – World Suicide Prevention Day AND my 52nd birthday! I’ve made it over 10 years longer than I ever thought I would be alive, and very glad I am. I hope for other people to get to that point as well. Stayin’ Alive is well worth it!

1. Your diagnosis

I live with the DSM diagnosis 296.8 – Bipolar Disorder NOS.

2. What meds you’re taking

I take a cocktail of Wellbutrin 150mg, Lamictal 100mg, Klonopin 2mg, and Abilify 10mg.

3. How you’re currently doing

I’m in remission and I’m baseline hypomanic so usually very energetic and productive, but I currently have another, mysterious, health issue that is sapping my energy. It is, I think, a gastro issue that I’m trying to get to the bottom of by eating differently and doing other things as well as pursuing Western medical advice, which is hard because, well, the ACA. However, I just got Medicaid and am seeing new doctors, so I hope to be on the road to recovery, or at least having new knowledge and understanding, very soon!

4. And anything you’d like to share regarding suicide and suicide prevention

I can’t stand the constant comparisons between physical and mental illness. Physic pain is something that cannot be fully explained to anyone who doesn’t experience it. The desire to die, when deep inside debilitating psychic pain, is very intense and very real. I’ve tried to take my own life three times, in various states of psychic pain and each time I came back from the brink. Suicidal decisions are made in times of great distress and for the purpose of killing the pain, not the person. My experience is that the pain can abate and trying to find other ways to alleviate that pain is the avenue we want to go down, not only medication, but whatever helps gets us through the day.

THIS is what is shameful, this sign, ad, whatever it is #ShameOnKennethCole:

gun an dmentall illness

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Reopening call: seeking male-identified, MOC, and TGNC writers and artists